The Perils of Christmas Carols

I recently came across some "Health, Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs" and I shared some of them with my congregation this morning. For any of you preparing for Carol services, I thought these guidelines may be helpful. Here they are:

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

1. Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore a nice cellular blanket or micro-fleece material should be considered as a suitable alternative.

2. A full risk assessment should be carried out before any attempt at rocking the cradle is made. Furthermore, the baby must be restrained in the cradle with a safety harness complying with United Nations ECE Regulation R44.04.

3. Only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have an enhanced disclosure should be permitted to rock baby Jesus.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

1. The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also included in the guidelines is information regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.

2. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles.

3. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched their flocks by night

all seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down

and glory shone around.

1. The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available.

2. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year they should be able to watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

3. As a safety precaution, before the angel of the Lord shines his/her glory around, all shepherds should be issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory rays.

Finally, thank you for your co-operation in these matters. We hope you have a Happy Wintermas.